Swine flu. Run for my life!
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
