We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
