do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
