it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
