I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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