I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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