We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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