This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
