What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
