my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
