Rock
Scissors
Fuck
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Randomize
