"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
