yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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