Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
