i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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