community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
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I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
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My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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