when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
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