this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
