A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
