Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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