I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
