Swine flu. Run for my life!
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Randomize
