My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
