I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
