I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
