Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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