A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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