Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
