I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Randomize