Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Vodka?
Forever.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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