I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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