1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Randomize
