Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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