I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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