Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
