two words: eviction party
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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