dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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