Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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