I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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