I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
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