Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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