It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
