bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
