hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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