i think my tv is drunk
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
