I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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