but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
