It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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