The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
