Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
