my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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