Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
