my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
