Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
