I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
