my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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