I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
