Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
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