Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
